Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
