I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize