I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
