Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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