dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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