Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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