I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
