11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
