i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
