Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
