How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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