oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
