I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
