Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
