If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
