My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize