If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
