I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
