I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize