I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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