Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
