are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
