I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
