it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
