Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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