Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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