you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
