return my video game
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
