Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
