I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
