First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
