I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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