I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
