id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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