I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
