there's paper in my vomit.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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