he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
