I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
