Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
