I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
