I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
