My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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