I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
