fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
