U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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