I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
