I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
