explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
