Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
