So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize