around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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