Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
