taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think your dad took our porno
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
