my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
