I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
