did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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