I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
