life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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