I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
